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Lesson 1: Make your dialogue really speak (by James George 2010©)
Here’s a brief lesson in crafting and re-drafting dialogue, specifically
in putting space and air into your dialogue. It’s so important to leave room
for the reader to be a part of the scene. I’ve crafted an example with a number
of flaws in the writing. Then reworked it to try and make it sharper, stronger,
have more resonance.
Walking determinedly to the door she pushed it
open. He looked up from his desk. ‘I need to know now,’ she said, striding
through the door and across to his desk.
‘What?’ he answered, exasperated.
‘Who she is,’ she continued, forcing herself on.
She wasn’t going to let him off the hook this time. She’d done that too often
in the past. He’d lied to her in the past or just given her non answers which
were no answers at all. But this time she wanted him, for once, to tell the
truth. ‘This time I want an answer,’ she pressed. ‘She’s been calling again.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he
countered.
‘Don’t give me that,’ she grimaced.
‘I don’t,’ he said again.
She stared him down, almost willing him to lie, to
fudge a half answer. Like all those times before. She stood her ground.
Standing, he walked across the carpet to the big
windows and looked out for a moment then turned to her. She could sense his
tension. He wondered if she was sensing his sorrow.
‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’ he offered.
‘I didn’t come here for coffee,’ she remonstrated.
‘I need something stronger,’ he carried on, ‘but
coffee will have to do.’
He poured himself a cup, stood watching the steam
rise against the glass of the big window.
‘Sit down,’ he said, finally, ‘I’ll start at the
beginning.’
‘Okay,’ she sighed. ‘At least that’s a start.’
What’s wrong with that dialogue? Let’s
look at it.
Walking[G1] determinedly to the door
she pushed it open. He looked up from his desk[G2] . ‘I need to know now,’ she
said, striding through the door and across to his desk.
‘What?’ he answered, exasperated[G3] .
‘Who she is,’ she continued[G4] , forcing herself on. She
wasn’t going to let him off the hook this time. She’d done that too often in
the past. He’d lied to her in the past or just given her non answers which were
no answers at all. But this time she wanted him, for once, to tell the truth[G5] . ‘This time I want an
answer,’ she pressed. ‘She’s been calling again.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he countered[G6] .
‘Don’t give me that,’ she grimaced.[G7]
‘I don’t,’ he said again[G8] .
She stared him down, almost willing him to lie, to
fudge a half answer. Like all those times
before[G9] . She stood her ground. So
she could argue with him.
Standing[G10] , he walked across the
carpet to the big windows[G11] and looked out for a
moment then turned to her. He wondered if she was sensing his sorrow[G12] . She could sense his
tension.
‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’ he offered.
‘I didn’t come here for coffee,’ she remonstrated[G13] .
‘I need something stronger,’ he carried on, [G14] ‘but coffee will have to
do.’
He poured himself a cup, stood watching the steam
rise against the glass of the big window[G15] .
‘Sit down,’ he said, finally[G16] , ‘I’ll start at the
beginning.’
‘Okay,’ she sighed[G17] . ‘At least that’s a
start.’
It’s crucial to remember that the problems are not
with the characters, with the setting, nor with the plot. The problems are in
the writing. It’s flabby, weak and ineffective. So no need to drop the scene,
or totally reinvent it. Sharpening is the key. Here’s another run at it.
His office door was closed. The plastic label with
his name was faded, cracking around the screws. She pushed the door open. He
looked up from his desk, his pupils widening.
‘I need to know now,’ she said.
‘What?’ he said.
‘She’s been calling again.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Who is she?’
‘I don’t.’
‘Darren. This time I need an answer.’
He stood, walked to the floor-to-ceiling windows,
looked out for a moment, towards the harbour. She followed his stare to where a
rainsquall threatened.
He turned to her, his thumb rubbing over his
wedding band.
‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’
‘I didn’t come here for coffee.’
‘I need something stronger, but coffee will have to
do.’
He poured himself a cup, stood watching the steam
rise against the windowglass. The squall was edging closer.
‘Sit down,’ he said. ‘I’ll start at the beginning.’
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Okay.’
What are the differences between the two versions? Let’s have a look.
His office door was closed[G18] . The plastic[G19] label with his name was faded, cracking[G20] around the screws. She
pushed the door open. He looked up from his desk, his pupils widening[G21] .
‘I need to know now[G22] ,’ she said.
‘What?’ he said.
‘She’s been calling again.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Who is she?’
‘I don’t[G23] know.’
‘Darren[G24] . This time I need an
answer.’
He stood, walked to the floor-to-ceiling [G25] windows, looked out for a
moment, towards the harbour. She followed his stare to where a rainsquall
threatened.
He turned to her, his thumb rubbing over his
wedding band[G26] .
‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’
‘I didn’t come here for coffee.’
‘I need something stronger, but coffee will have to
do.’
He poured himself a cup, stood watching the steam
rise against the windowglass. The squall was edging closer.
‘Sit down,’ he said. ‘I’ll start at the beginning.’
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Okay.’
Most of the changes are actually deletion, with just a few additions.
There characters are left as they are, but the writing now supports the process
of the reader coming to know them. Know there emotional edge, their conflicts,
as a participant in the scene.
Always leave your reader room to be a participant in the story
construction in a dialogue scene. Leave them room for the ears to pick up on
subtext, on subtlety of gesture or symbolic use of the landscape as a
storytelling voice. Work from within the scene, don’t just try and invent
something new.
[G1]Starting a sentence, and
especially a scene, with a gerund (an –ing word) is an identifiable mark of an amateur.
Stick with the simple... She walked ...etc
[G2]The first spoken line is lost in
the middle of the paragraph. Put it on a separate line. Allow the reader a
moment of space to reset from reading the narrative description of movement to
hearing the character speak.
[G3]How do we know he’s exasperated
at this point? Unnecessary telling.
[G4]Of course she’s continuing, we
can hear that, there’s no need to say it.
[G5]These last few sentences are
exposition, material to background the scene we’re watching. They’re in the
wrong place. Anyway, the writing is relying too much on interior monologue
here, putting too much of the conflict in her head, not in the air the scene is
breathing
[G6]We can drop the attributions
altogether here, as there are only two indentified characters in the scene.
Attributions like ...countered...are clunky. Put the force into the characters’
spoken words and body language, don’t load up your attributions.
[G7]You can’t actually grimace a
piece of spoken dialogue. You can say something while grimacing, but grimace is
not a form of speech
[G8]Unnecessary attribution
[G9]Repetition. We’ve already covered
this.
[G10]See the rule above about
beginning sentences with gerunds. It’s unnecessary anyway, for him to walk
across the carpet we know he has to stand.
[G11]Big windows? Can’t we be a bit more
detailed than that? Big is a weak adjective, too vague. It’s up there with
nice, beautiful, long... etc
[G12]There’s an awkward, and
momentary, Point of View shift here, from her to him, then back to her. We need
to be in his head to know what he wondered. Also, saying ...she could sense his
tension... is weak, more effective to show the reader his tension then have the
reader feel what she’s feeling.
[G13]Attributions like offered and
remonstrated, while they do fit in with the context, are just awkward and ugly,
and more important, they take up the space at the end of the lines that give
the reader room to think about what’s being said. Why, in the midst of this
conflict, does he offer her coffee? To placate her? To break her rhythm? To
help her to fortify herself against whatever it is he’s about to say? These are
important questions; leave the reader room to think about them.
[G14]Of course he’s carrying on, we
can see and hear that. Delete.
[G15]Actually, that’s effective. The
steam can be metaphoric for clouded emotions, for lack of emotional clarity.
[G16]We know he’s saying it ‘finally’
i.e. after everything else that’s happened, so there’s no need to write that.
[G17]Sighed is another week
attribution. There’s a sense with that word choice that she’s lost her initial
anger, and may be open to listening. But we don’t know why she’s changed mood,
and sighed doesn’t tell us.
[G18]This is scene description, but
can also be metaphoric of how they’re not communicating.
[G19]A metaphor – hinting at her state
of mind. Is there marriage now artificial?
[G20]Metaphoric again, of their
marriage (at least in her mind)
[G21]Describes his physical reaction,
in detail. (Surprise, fear?) Does it without telling us, overtly, about how he
feels.
[G22]Sharp and to the point. By not
backgrounding this statement the reader guesses this issue has been brewing for
some time.
[G23]These last few dialogue lines are
much more stark, without attributions. The text is on the left of the page,
with lots of white space to their right, space for the reader to hear the words
resound, hear their echo.
[G24]I’ve inserted his name here.
She’s using it to break the ping-pong pattern. Naming not just him, but naming
the man she’s married to, specifically. This arrowheads him, confronts him, but
because it’s his name and not some expletive, she’s signalling she’s still
close to him. It’s personal.
[G25]More specific, gives the reader a
real visual feel, rather than just saying ‘big’. Also the size of the windows
allows her to see the coming rainsquall, which is metaphoric, foreshadowing the
turn their relationship’s about to take
[G26]What does this gesture represent?
Leave that up to the reader.
[G27]The original last line wasn’t
bad, but the near repetition of ‘beginning’ and ‘start’ was awkward. I’ve used
repetition in a different way here, as if by saying ‘okay’ twice, she’s
attempting to reassure herself that it just might be
